For many people, the desire to support someone they love after they’ve experienced a loss activates the helper inside of them. Either they struggle to find the right words to say and opt for action instead, or they feel words aren’t enough.
However, even well-intentioned offers can be misguided or overwhelming. Supporting someone who’s grieving starts with doing a little homework to answer this simple question: What is grief?
Understanding grief
While Merriam-Webster defines grief as, “deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement,” the experience of grief can’t be condensed to a single definition. Everyone’s grief is unique.
“Even if we have all lost the same person, we haven’t had the same loss because we’re each grieving the unique relationship that we had with that person,” says Litsa Williams, MA, LCSW-C, co-founder of What’s Your Grief?
We also tend to think of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – which Elizabeth Kübler-Ross established based on observations of terminally ill patients. In reality, these stages are not universal or linear.
As Williams emphasizes in a Grief Chat with For Grief, showing you care is simpler than you’d expect. “The best thing you can do,” she says, “is communicate with the person who’s grieving.”
Choosing the Right Words
Even though words may not feel like enough to offer someone who’s grieving, they are the entry point to supporting that person in other ways. While you want to choose your words carefully, know that simply connecting with them is already meaningful. If you don’t know where to start, we’ve curated a helpful list of comforting text messages to send to someone after a loss.
Overall, a good rule of thumb is to avoid clichés and platitudes, like, “They’re in a better place,” or, “Everything happens for a reason.” These comments unintentionally diminish their grief.
“Part of knowing what to say and what to do is knowing the person you’re there to support,” Williams says. “You can have a conversation with them and be open about the fact that maybe you’re not sure [what to say or do].”
Choosing the right words matters when you’re offering support in the form of actions, too. Instead of saying “Let me know what you need,” be politely insistent in your offer so they don’t have to provide a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, but rather a ‘when.’ Someone grieving may feel guilty accepting help or a burden in asking for it. By phrasing your offer correctly, you help them retain a sense of choice and control without feeling overwhelmed.
Practical Ways to help Someone After a Loss
You don’t have to use big gestures to show someone you care after they experience a loss. It’s the simple, everyday tasks they may need the most help with. When offering support, remember they know what they need most. Be open and understanding if they ask for something different from what you’re offering.
Respect Boundaries
Most importantly, consider the level of your relationship with the person you’re supporting. Be mindful that the help you’re offering doesn’t overstep any boundaries or alienate them. As we shared before, everyone experiences grief differently; don’t say or act like you understand what they’re feeling.
Perform Concrete Tasks
Focus on concrete tasks, like mowing the lawn, shoveling the sidewalk, running errands, making meals or helping with childcare. Remember, be specific in your offer to help if you can. Rather than asking, “Can I help with this?”, try saying, “I’d like to do this for you. When would work best for you?” When preparing meals, instead of asking what sounds good to them, provide a couple of options for them to choose between. Doing so alleviates much of the burden of deciding while still giving them agency.
Some concrete tasks can also be symbolic. Things like cleaning their sheets or washing their car represent a fresh start in many ways. Depending on the depth of your relationship with the person, you may also ask to help them complete some of the more difficult tasks, like picking up their loved one’s remains or the death certificate.
Sometimes demands on our own time make it difficult to help, no matter how much we want to. In these instances, or if the person you’re supporting is more comfortable with it, supplying gift cards to nearby restaurants or meal delivery services or hiring a service to help clean, do lawn maintenance, etc. can be a perfect solution.
Provide Support Long After the Loss Occurs
Consider the timing when you’re offering help. Immediately following the loss, people are usually quick to provide support to the person who is grieving. It’s often in the months following that the need or capacity for support feels greater. When the initial outpouring of support has subsided, someone experiencing a loss could feel shame and guilt for still processing their grief while everyone else’s lives have moved on. Waiting until this time to provide support in the form of actions signals to the person grieving that you’ve not forgotten about them.
The easiest way to support someone after a loss? Spend time with them. The significance of something as simple as being present is sometimes overlooked, but it really is the most fundamental way to show you care. When you visit, get the person a fresh glass of water. You can even offer to do something they enjoy with them. If, as you’re spending time together, they begin to talk and share how they’re feeling, listen, but don’t force conversation. As Williams said during a chat with For Grief, “What we often need from someone is just for them to be present with our pain, not look for the silver lining.”
Advocate for Grief Resources
Lastly, though you can’t always be there to support the person you care about, you can direct them to grief resources to peruse in their own time. Let them know there’s an online grief community where they can connect with others navigating their own grief journeys. Whether they’re an active participant or a silent observer, community is one of the most powerful tools for living with grief.
Showing support after a loss can take many forms. Let us know in the comments below about other ways you show up to help someone who’s grieving.
